Silence of the Latte'

Well, it is the final day of my Spiritual retreat. In a few hours I will head toward home and the loving embrace of my family and friends.  I have had a long journey this week. I have learned things...I have relearned things...I have let go of some things...I have picked up others.

One of the most important things I relearned is the gift of silence. To sit in silence and not think about anything but my breath....to walk in silence and contemplate God in the world...to pray and offer silence so that I can hear the conversation God offers back.  Silence is fairly easy to come by on Spiritual retreats - they are designed to give you time alone. I've sought out solitary gardens and out of the way spots. I've eaten alone most days and I have sat quietly in my room with the TV off most nights (although I couldn't resist watching the Duke game last night).

But now, I will go home and I wonder - will the silence go with me.  As I sit in Panera this morning I am only mildly aware of the chaos around me.  There are a multitude of conversations - some loud, some quiet. There are children running around and elderly watching on with a smile of remembrance. There are business meetings and friend meetings and so there is a loud mix of humanity all around me.  And yet, I sit and seek out silence...realizing that we can't always withdraw from life to hear from God - we must instead train ourselves to seek and embrace the silence, even in the midst of noise and chaos.

Is God in Panera on a busy weekday morning? Oh yes :)  He has nudged me to have patience at the disorder at the counter and allowed me instead to see the kindness of folks helping one another. He has been glimpsed in the hugs and kisses a mother is sharing with her little daughter as they enjoy a morning out. His peace is found in the faces around me, pleasant, kind, gentle.  I look around me and realize that life viewed from a distance is its own dance...its own poem...it has a rhythm and a movement that, when seen from the silence of prayerful contemplation, has its own beauty and glory as the image of God is made visible in remarkably ordinary ways.

"a few words together and don't try 
to make them elaborate, this isn't 
a contest but the doorway


into thanks, and a silence in which 
another voice my speak."  
                  ("Praying by Mary Oliver)

Amen.

It is Well With My Soul...and my body...and my mind...

At midnight a new day blew into town....and I do mean, it literally blew in with a violent storm beating at my hotel window. I lay there listening to the rain, wind, and hail...and I wondered, will anyone tell me if I should take cover? Will I know if danger is approaching? Needless to say, I couldn't get back to sleep for a bit, I just laid there and listened to nature roar.  All this fuss because the temperature was going to change - a cold front moving in and a warm front moving out - not a big deal it would seem but at the line where the exchange occurs - turmoil, chaos.

How like life that is.  This week I have been making some changes of my own - trying to get healthy again: body, mind and soul.  I have hit the gym every day. My muscles have been stretched and crunched, pushed and pulled. I am feeling muscles I never even knew I had and they are not happy to have been awaken from their long slumber.  They rage, they hurt...or at least they did. Today they are more alert, they are not screaming at me every time I try to take a step or rise from my chair.  They are starting to wake up. My trainer tells me this is normal and ok - waking up sleeping muscles is painful business but the pain won't last and the benefits are worth it.

How like life that is.  I have discovered that waking up a slumbering soul comes with its own pain.  Pain in knowing you have pushed God to the sidelines. The pain of realizing your own ego has hindered or hijacked the work you were called to do.  Stretching the soul to take deeper lunges of thought...pumping the soul to more weightier issues...these things are accompanied by their own pain.  But I am assured that is ok, it is normal. I am also assured that the pain won't last and the benefits are worth it.

This journey with God - to Barnes and Noble, to the Garden, to the gym - has been an incredible, insightful and healing process. It has not been without pain...but that's ok. The pain has not lasted and the benefits are already felt.  

In the calm sunshine after the storm, God has spoken..."Feel my warmth? See my light? Hear my call? You have weathered the storm, all is calm...all is well."

Eyes Wide Open

I am going to dinner with a friend. This may seem like a small thing to some but for me it is a great sign of hope and affirmation.  "Hello, my name is Karen and I am a recovering introvert."  I have journeyed to this spiritual retreat to refill my soul - this is an important and necessary job for us introverts (I can hear your amens from here.)  In introvert is not necessarily anti-social; they are not people-haters or recluses. We can do all the same things extroverts can do! I can be the center of attention comfortably enough, just ask anyone who knows me! I can stand and sing or speak in front of 100's of people with barely a butterfly.  The deal with introverts is that when we do those highly social things, even if we love doing them, we expend a lot of energy in the process.  While an extrovert will draw more energy from the crowd and socialization - an introvert can only renew energy by being alone - by seeking solitude and self-care.

I came on this retreat to re-fill my depleted energy. I came desiring to retreat and withdraw socially for a bit. But this morning I woke up and thought, "I don't want to eat alone again."  With a smile I rejoice, I know my levels are back up - I can re-enter the world.  A recovering introvert, if they are honest, will tell you that even as they rejoice, this step brings a level of anxiety with it. "What if I'm not ready?" "What if it is too soon?" This is especially true when coupled with a Spiritual aspect. "What if, when I re-enter I can't find God again? or as easily?"

There is the anxiety that the work of the last few days to re-fuel the spiritual tank and to reconnect with God might be lost amidst the gathering chaos and noise of re-entry into the "real world." I can already feel that anxiety - I only have 2 days left!!!  But then words of comfort...

Everything is His.
The door, the door jamb.
The wood stacked near the door.
The leaves blown upon the path 
   that leads to the door...


And, simply said, all the rest.
                  (Musical Notation:2 by Mary Oliver)

It is silly to fear that I won't find Him upon re-entry...for He is everywhere and all is His. The only way I will miss seeing, is if I stop looking.

Garden Psalm

God sat with me in a garden today. With a slight nip in the air, the sun working hard to warm the new day, I took my new book of poetry and went for a walk.  I found myself in a churchyard where off to the side was a small prayer garden. It looked inviting in the glow of morning.  I sat upon a bench and read a few poems aloud to the birds and squirrels - and perhaps some puzzled neighbors wondering what crazy fool was reading poetry out loud on a busy Tuesday morning.

"Around me the trees stir in their leaves and call out, 'Stay awhile."
The light flows from their branches.


And they call again, "It's simple," they say,
"and you too have come 
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine."
                (When I Am Among the Trees by Mary Oliver)

I stop reading and gaze at a flowering tree. I really should learn the names of these beautiful things. I am struck at how the tree is a visual metaphor - some flowers are only buds, not yet given birth. Some were open, red, beautiful and mature - glorious. Others were brown and giving way to death. It made me sad. Remembering I was also here to deal with grief and loss.

But then the words of the poem came to me..."and you too have come into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled with light and to shine."  As I thought about the dark and shadowy world of sorrow my eyes traveled around the little garden and I saw that even in the shadows, there were beautiful things growing.  And there, out of the darkness of a deep mound of mulch and wood chips, sprouts were forcing their way into the light.  I looked again at the glorious, red flowering tree and beneath it I notice a lush carpet of red petals that litter the ground. A royal carpet. It will now turn to fertile soil and thus will bloom again.  There is even beauty in death. I am no longer sad.

Thirst

There are those occasions when God seems determined to show off a little bit (Thank you God for those occasions) and today was one of those days. I am beginning a 5 day spiritual journey today. I am not at all ashamed to say it is because I feel almost used up, with little left to give. I have no shame in this because I know we've all been there. I do have guilt, however, that I have let myself get there again.  So, I have gone into retreat.  Today I thought about how once was between me and God - of how I spoke to him almost constantly, I sought him in all things - and I remembered the times God spoke back - so powerfully that it would almost drop me to my knees.  That hasn't happened to me in a while...until today.

It is no surprise that I am in this place, in part, because of the grief I carry over recent losses in my life. So this journey of tears is needed on many levels.  But, I digress - back to God the show off...

So, today someone suggests that because of my love of nature and the glory of God's created world, I should check out the works of poet Mary Oliver. So being the totally obedient person I am (ok, I really just realized I needed all the help I could get) I went out later to purchase a book of her work.  The problem was, I failed to take with me the paper with her name on it - so I arrive at this huge bookstore and all I know is I'm looking for a book about poetry written by some woman.  Yeah, good luck telling the Info Desk about this query.  So I decide to just forget it and get something else to read.  But no, God is not letting this go. I feel the old familiar tugging on my sleeve that the Holy Spirit once used frequently on me and so...well, long story short - I was led to the exact author I was looking for - AND - as I wondered how will I pick which of her 8 books to purchase, God said - "This one" and there it was - the smallest, almost hidden from view, with a one word title - "Thirst"

I laughed, which drew strange looks from the college student a few shelves away. Ok God, I'm listening. I pick up the book and sit down in the aisle to read a while...only I didn't make it half-way through the first poem before the tears started again.  This was what God wanted me to find.  I am now settled into my hotel room with my book of poems - I've been reading it for about an hour - and I still haven't left the first poem...it has become my prayer...it reads in part...

"Messenger"
My work is loving the world...


Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect?
let me keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.

Tears fall again, I have forgotten how to stand still and be astonished - I have forsaken my work.
Thank you God for reminding me...I am astonished all over again.

Time for Contemplation

My best friend L. and I love to spend time together, however we are very busy women and our time together is few and far between. When we do get together we are often so tired that we are caught laying around on the sofa's with our eyes closed, talking a bit and napping a bit.  When our family comes in and asks what we are doing we just say "Contemplating."

There is something to be said about just kicking back and relaxing. Just close your eyes and let your mind drift off to a direction of its own choosing. I love that "in between" moment - just between sleep and alert where your mind is most unhindered. I've received some great sermon inspirations in that time. I've solved problems, located lost memories, and have a few conversations with God in those moments.

My Lenten journey this year was meant to be 40 days of contemplation - each day spent seeking God in the quiet and intentional moments I would set aside.  It was great in theory but days like today remind me that sometimes contemplation has to be done on the run. Sometimes life comes as us too fast and we may have to work a little harder to contemplate God in the noise and chaos - but he is still there.

So, even though I ran hard today let me tell you what a saw...
1. I woke up in a warm bed, next to the man I know God sent just for me!

2. I woke up my youngest daughter, and she smiled. She is healthy, happy, fun, and sweet natured. And she loves God.

3. My daughter away at college texted me a few times throughout the day. I feel blessed that she wants to share little details of her day with me. She too is happy, healthy, fun and sweet natured. And she loves God. She goes to church even without us there to make her :)

4. I officiated a funeral today of one of God's saints. I thought it would be a sorrowful burden - but God brought such a sense of rejoicing and celebration that even as the tears rolled, so did the laughter and stories and good memories.  God's assurance of resurrection was more real at that moment than I've felt in a while.

5. Today the sun was warm, the sky was blue and I didn't have to worry about earthquakes, food, radiation poisoning, etc. - but my Japanese brothers and sisters do, so I stopped what I was doing and I prayed. I felt God's pain at the suffering of the world.

6. I got home, changed clothes and prepared to go on a date with my husband. We used a gift card someone had given us for a fancy meal. I was reminded of God's provision which comes upon us in the most unexpected ways.  We talked about our first 21 years together and dreamed about our next 21. I felt God's peace and assurance of our future.

7. On our way to dinner we did make one pit stop...Forsyth Hospital to welcome a new little one into the church family.  That felt like my gift and reward...to move from a funeral to a nursery, holding a newborn baby, so perfect and peaceful.  I am in awe at the glory of our God who brings new life.

hmm, 7 blessings - the biblical number for complete or total.  I feel totally and completely blessed.
I think I will go contemplate some more...good night.

"Look What We Did"

"Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing."               Genesis 12:1-2


Today my husband and I are celebrating 21 years of marriage. We were 24 when we got married so we've now spent almost half of our lives together. I admit it is a pretty amazing feeling. I have been reflecting on family a lot lately. It was actually something that my husband said at his father's funeral that nudged me to this introspective mood.  You see, my husband unexpectedly lost both his parents this year. First his father and then 7 weeks later, his mother.  It has really shaken our family. At his father's funeral, my husband stood and told something he had witnessed once at one of our family gatherings.  It was a moment when the entire family was crowded into the tiny kitchen, no doubt fighting for a piece of birthday cake.  My husband witnessed his father just standing back and taking in the chaotic scene: Two parents, three children, two children in-law,  six granddaughters and accompanying boyfriends or husbands, and, at the time, one great grandson mixing it up around a four seat table.  He suddenly got his wife's attention, smiled broadly and swept his arms open, gesturing to the scene before his as if to say, "Look at this! We did this!"  They smiled lovingly at one another and jumped back into the family fray.

That story has caused me to look for those moments in my own life and has surprisingly drawn me to God's call to Abram in Genesis. Abram is directed to leave his family home and begin a totally new life under God's command.  I remember something similar in my wedding vows...that we were to leave our fathers and mothers and cling to one another. But it is the second part of God's command that catches my heart right now..."I will bless you...so that your will be a blessing."

That moment in my in-law's kitchen was my father-in-law realizing he had been blessed to be a blessing. God had provided  for him in life and he had shared it with his children and they were sharing it with their children, and now they are beginning to have children of their own and they will share it with them.

It is easy to get caught up in thinking the wonderful blessing of family is a personal matter. We give thanks to God for it and we cherish it and enjoy it. But we also can't forget that God blesses his children SO THAT they will be a blessing to others.  The blessing of a healthy marriage will become a blessing to the children of that marriage. It will radiate outward to be a blessing to the in-laws who are welcomed into the family later. It will spread to blessing the neighbors, friends, co-workers and church goers of the couple first blessed.

We leave our fathers and mothers homes and we enter into marriage but we are not to be in this marriage alone, as Abram was not on his journey alone. We are to go forward in this marriage with God as our guide and companion. In obedience to God we submit our marriage to God and he will pour out blessing upon it - not for the sole benefit of the couple - but so that their witness will then bless others.

We celebrate 21 years of marriage today. Our daughters will all too soon be starting families and lives of their own. My blessings from this marriage are too numerous to count and I realize I am guilty of selfishly trying to keep all of them for myself - but Abrams story reminds me they are not mine to keep. They are mine to share. I can't wait to celebrate the next 21 years of marriage...to watch the number gathered around my table grow to a chaotic mass fighting over birthday cake...to look at my beloved and smile knowingly...look what we did...look what God did through us.