There are those occasions when God seems determined to show off a little bit (Thank you God for those occasions) and today was one of those days. I am beginning a 5 day spiritual journey today. I am not at all ashamed to say it is because I feel almost used up, with little left to give. I have no shame in this because I know we've all been there. I do have guilt, however, that I have let myself get there again. So, I have gone into retreat. Today I thought about how once was between me and God - of how I spoke to him almost constantly, I sought him in all things - and I remembered the times God spoke back - so powerfully that it would almost drop me to my knees. That hasn't happened to me in a while...until today.
It is no surprise that I am in this place, in part, because of the grief I carry over recent losses in my life. So this journey of tears is needed on many levels. But, I digress - back to God the show off...
So, today someone suggests that because of my love of nature and the glory of God's created world, I should check out the works of poet Mary Oliver. So being the totally obedient person I am (ok, I really just realized I needed all the help I could get) I went out later to purchase a book of her work. The problem was, I failed to take with me the paper with her name on it - so I arrive at this huge bookstore and all I know is I'm looking for a book about poetry written by some woman. Yeah, good luck telling the Info Desk about this query. So I decide to just forget it and get something else to read. But no, God is not letting this go. I feel the old familiar tugging on my sleeve that the Holy Spirit once used frequently on me and so...well, long story short - I was led to the exact author I was looking for - AND - as I wondered how will I pick which of her 8 books to purchase, God said - "This one" and there it was - the smallest, almost hidden from view, with a one word title - "Thirst"
I laughed, which drew strange looks from the college student a few shelves away. Ok God, I'm listening. I pick up the book and sit down in the aisle to read a while...only I didn't make it half-way through the first poem before the tears started again. This was what God wanted me to find. I am now settled into my hotel room with my book of poems - I've been reading it for about an hour - and I still haven't left the first poem...it has become my prayer...it reads in part...
"Messenger"
My work is loving the world...
Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect?
let me keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.
Tears fall again, I have forgotten how to stand still and be astonished - I have forsaken my work.
Thank you God for reminding me...I am astonished all over again.
