The Most Terrifying Prayer

It is a simple, two-word prayer. It should be easy enough to utter. It should roll off the tongue willingly. It should be the first thing we say each morning. It should bring us peace.

Instead, it sticks in my throat. It hesitates on my tongue. It comes to me each morning but I want to put a condition with it - follow it with a "But..."  It does not bring me peace, rather, it inflicts terror in the very heart of me.  A simple, two-word prayer...

"Use me."

It is a prayer I desperately want to say and mean it with all my heart and soul (I think). I want to be a servant of God, a worker in God's vineyard, a gatekeeper in God's temple...and every other metaphor and analogy the bible offers me...but...

"Use me" hitches in my throat. I can almost say it convincingly and with power...almost. Yet each time I manage to get them out of my mouth I dread what God will say next.  I fear what God will ask me to do. I worry what God will ask of me that might bring suffering, horror, heartbreak, pain, controversy...

But then I feel the fear and terror melting away in the embrace of the Holy Spirit, my great comforter and promise of God.  "Those are things of this world...I am here to lift you above that."  This world will inflict those things upon us but when we pray for God to "use us," that is when those worldly hurts and sufferings are overcome.

We tend to fear what God will ask us to do but does the real fear not lie in trying to do this life without God? Yes, when I pray "use me," I am inviting God to place someone unlovable in my life to love...to move me out of my comfort zone and into a combat zone...to risk my own life in a fight for justice for someone else...to damage my popularity for the sake of Christ's.  When I pray "use me," I am giving up control and letting God take over.  Yes, that terrifies me...and yet...

I cling to Acts 1:4, "wait there for the promise of the father."  What is that promise? The Holy Spirit. God's Spirit which dwells within those who believe.  I cling to those stories which remind us of the power available to us when the Holy Spirit is given control of our lives.

Yes, "use me" can be terrifying words to utter...and yet how can we not say them? The world needs God, not me...the world needs a Messiah, not a follower who won't give up control.  The promise of God is that the Holy Spirit will come upon us and give us all we need in answer to that "use me" prayer. All the boldness we need for conflict and controversy, all the strength we need for pain and suffering, all the wisdom we need for justice and forgiveness.  It is all ours, if we pray one simple, two-word prayer...

"Use me."